What to do when a friend asks for a referral, but they aren’t right for the job

There comes a moment when every successful professional gets confronted with the potentially awkward situation of having a friend ask for a referral. What if you love your friend as a person but think they would be a terrible fit for the job? 

“It can be difficult to be honest with a friend, especially when it is something as personal as sharing you do not want to provide them with an internal referral,” says Kyle Elliott, MPA, CHES and the founder and career coach behind CaffeinatedKyle.com. 

If you’re tempted to give a referral to avoid ruffling your friend’s feathers even though the idea of doing it leaves you with a sinking feeling in your stomach, here is why the wrong referral can kill your career, what to do if you’re on the fence about recommending your friend for a job, and how to decline your friend’s request gracefully if needed.

Why giving a bad referral can kill your career 

“Only provide a referral if you feel totally comfortable vouching for your friend. You do not want to taint your personal brand or relationships,” says Elliott. 

“Just realize that your reputation at work matters. It is a major reason as to why you’ll get considered, or not, for big projects, and moving up the corporate ladder. If you bring into the company some flake — whom you already doubted — and they, like clockwork, live up to your worst fears [insert “Price is Right” TV show losing horn here],” says success strategist and career guidance expert Carlota Zimmerman, J.D. 

“Recommending someone whom you have legitimate fears about is a proven career-killer, because it makes your superiors wonder about you and whether they can trust you. If you have any doubts whatsoever, trust your gut and do not recommend them.” 

What to consider before answering your friend 

Perhaps you’re not totally convinced your friend would be the right fit for the job but you’re on the fence. If so, Zimmerman recommends considering the following factors to decide whether you’d be comfortable endorsing this person on a professional level. 

“Things to consider include: Does this person take responsibility? Is this person, in your own relationship, smart? Are they easy to get along with? Polite? Trustworthy? Appropriate in social settings?” she says. 

“If you can’t trust Pam to bring pizza to the party, why would you recommend her to your boss to bring a project in on time? In the years that you’ve known this person, have they been able to hold onto a job? Do they have social skills? Are they reliable, fun, and easy to get along with? Would you happily introduce this person to your other friends?  Do they say and do what they promise to do?”

Why asking for a referral can be a red flag 

But, according to her, the fact someone is asking you for a referral can be a red flag in itself: “The people who are truly your friends, and whom you’re most likely to write referrals for, you and you will both know. These are the people who will be humble, and who will probably never have to ask, since you’ll be happily volunteering your [recommendation.]”

Be candid no matter what 

Now that you’ve decided you won’t be giving your friend a referral, you have to say something. And honesty is the best policy, according to Jamie Hickey, who leads HR at Coffee Semantics. 

“Be candid — if you don’t have a positive opinion of the person in question, you needn’t stretch the truth to be diplomatic,” he says. “It’s best to help out where possible but sometimes an honest refusal is actually much kinder than empty, false encouragement given in order to avoid upsetting them.

Plus, even if a white lie might feel like a better solution than being direct and potentially hurting your friend’s feelings, lying could create an awkward situation and end up straining your friendship more than if you had been honest in the first place. 

“You want to avoid lying to your friend, as it is easy to research and learn about employer referral processes. Instead, you want to be direct and frank while also staying kind and compassionate. Honesty is your best friend here,” adds Elliott. 

Give feedback 

Can’t bring yourself to give your friend a simple yet polite “no?” There is a third option that’s still better than avoiding them, lying or saying yes and tainting your reputation: Providing them with some feedback without closing the door on a future referral.   

“I have been asked for a referral by a number of friends whom I didn’t think were qualified. I usually forward a couple of courses that I would encourage them to take and tell them I would be more comfortable with the referral if they complete those,” says Thomas Jepsen, founder of Passion Plans. 

However, be warned that most people won’t actually follow through on those types of suggestions.  “Most of the time, they won’t take the courses, and I will have a very valid reason as to why I won’t refer them. Often so, as soon as you encourage them to take a course on a relevant topic, they won’t keep pushing for a referral,” says Jepsen.