Making too much money may be ruining your love life

If you’re experiencing problems in your romantic relationship, money may be the culprit.

According to a new study, a phenomenon known as financially contingent self-worth might be wreaking havoc on your relationship — possibly even without your knowledge.

What is financially contingent self-worth?

A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships discovered that people who base their self-worth on their financial status tend to have more financial conflict in their romantic relationships. This then leads to them being less satisfied in relationships.

Couples who are struggling with money often disagree over financial issues. Even for a couple that’s financially stable, money can still be the root cause of relationship problems. But this research looked specifically at a condition called financially contingent self-worth. This phrase refers to somebody who lets how much money they have determine how highly they think of themselves.

The researchers surveyed couples who were in committed relationships. They asked the partners how often they disagreed over money-related issues, how satisfied they were with their relationship, and if they had had any financial hardship in the past six months

The couples then answered how much each person based their self-worth on their monetary success. The researchers discovered that people who attached their self-worth to their finances disagreed with their partners more often. In turn, they were less satisfied with those relationships.

According to Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and relationship coach, the results of the study make perfect sense.

“One of the leading causes of divorce is finance,” she said. “Debt, compounding debt, and financial infidelity are some of the leading causes of marital strain, tension, and resentment.”

Gender differences can also play a role in how it plays out, she said.

“Men’s self-worth can be based on their financial goals, income levels, and the ability to be perceived as a provider,” she said. “Women’s self-worth can be based on the same plus maintenance costs of their self-worth.”

The study also found that financially contingent self-worth can affect relationships regardless of whether there is economic stress or not.

Is your self-worth financially contingent?

The contingencies of self-worth scale is a tool that psychologists use to examine areas that might act as anchors for a person’s self-esteem. Financially contingent self-worth is one of the seven areas addressed on the scale. 

To evaluate your own self-worth, consider how motivated you are to make more money and where that motivation is coming from. Do you feel better about yourself the more you earn? Do you feel worse about yourself during periods where you don’t have as much in the bank? If you answered yes, this could apply to you.

Wanting to have more money doesn’t necessarily mean you have financially contingent self-worth. But if you feel that your financial success directly impacts your worth as a person, that’s where things get tricky.

If you have financially contingent self-worth, you might also notice yourself feeling more vulnerable and defensive in conversations about money with your partner.

Silva says financial infidelity can manifest in many ways in a relationship.

“It can be keeping some spending hidden from your partner, acting independently in spending on joint bank accounts, misused funds designated for joint future goals, or conflicting opinions on spending and saving,” she said.

Experience greater relationship satisfaction by boosting self-worth

In order for relationships to stay strong and healthy, you need to address this issue. Understanding patterns that lead to divorce, Silva said, can potentially prevent a finance-based divorce.

If financially contingent self-worth sounds familiar to you, recognizing it in yourself is a step in the right direction.

“Remind yourself that financially contingent self-worth can alter your perception of your value, but your value, in reality, is dependent on nonmonetary things like your contribution to your field/job, your empathy levels, parenting, the strength of your relationships, or your contribution to your community,” Silva said.

Our critical inner voice is the culprit here, making us think we need x, y, or z to boost our self-worth, Silva said. Challenging that nagging little voice you hear when you feel anxious about money can help reduce your level of stress.

It’s also important, she added, to understand how much money you really need. Often, the amount of money you need to survive and the amount of money you’d ideally like to have are two different numbers. We often assign an artificial value to those amounts.

“If you have enough money to physically survive, then you have already achieved the optimal range you can get from money,” she said.

As you approach financial issues with your partner, do so with an open and honest approach.

“Keep an open dialogue about your short- and long-term goals and create joint strategies to achieve them,” Silva said. “This can minimize discord and anxiety around not feeling worthy enough or competing with an idealized version of yourself.”

In the end, the way to address and fix the root cause of money-based relationship problems is to change your mindset when it comes to self-worth. Your self-worth should not be dependent on any external factors. And while it can be difficult to shift your view of yourself, doing so will change your romantic relationships for the better.