The 7 ways you’re self-gaslighting and destroying your career

“I’m not good enough at this project.” “I shouldn’t feel upset about that person’s comment.” “I’m stupid for saying that to my boss.” If this sounds like your internal dialogue, you’re self-gaslighting in your career.

The origin of the term gaslighting, as defined by Healthline, is from an old movie appropriately titled “Gaslight”, in which “a husband would turn the gaslights down slightly lower each night to disorient his wife…saying that it was all in her head.” Gaslighting in more colloquial terms is simply a method of emotional abuse by means of manipulation, as one intentionally seeks to make another person feel crazy.

The roots of self-gaslighting can often be external; if someone has been gaslit by someone in their early lives, like a parent, they can then internalize those feelings, and begin to think of them as their own.

Self-gaslighting can also be triggered by current failures that are reminiscent of past ones. For instance, if you lost a $20 bill when you were five, and that caused your older sibling to berate you, losing money in the future might trigger a spiral of negative thoughts.

Minimizing

The first feature of self-gaslighting is minimizing, which means devaluing one’s feelings. Still Waters Counseling in Oregon states that a commonplace thought when self-gaslighting is that “I can’t complain because others have it worse;” another example could be “I’m probably overacting.”

One might be trying to minimize as a way to cope with the potentially explosive feelings in their unconscious. By diffusing their anger, sadness, or other emotions before they even get the chance to be expressed, one is saving someone else of the painful feelings that are eating them from the inside out.

This makes the self-gaslighter feel like both the aggressor and the victim, and ultimately, they blame themselves for feelings they never allowed themselves to feel in the first place.

Blaming

It’s easy to drive yourself crazy by assuming that everything is your fault, which is why blaming is a cornerstone of self-gaslighting. When something happens, whether you had anything to do with it or not, you could be thinking, “this is all my fault,” or “I’m the problem here.”

Self-gaslighting doesn’t just involve blaming yourself for things you didn’t necessarily do – it also involves blaming others for things you did. Sometimes, someone who lives in fear of indulging emotions that could instigate a deluge of self-hate will shy away from taking responsibility for their actions. Taking blame could cause them to indulge in a self-flagellation of epic proportions, so it’s easier to shove the blame off to someone else.

Supplicating

Supplication is a big word, but its definition is simple: “the action of asking or begging for something earnestly or humbly.” You might have heard supplication in the context of prayer – to supplicate yourself at someone’s feet. Self-gaslighting presents a distorted version of this action in which the person you’re begging never asked or demanded for your deference.

One can self-gaslight by doing something of the like, abasing themselves in front of others as they ask for something they need, just because they don’t believe they deserve whatever it is. For instance, one could come in begging and pleading for a raise, or a promotion from an already kind boss, because of anxieties based entirely on their own self-image.

It’s easier said than done to be more confident, especially when you’re someone who gets down on themselves when they make a little social error. But to start, try not to apologize for raising an idea in a meeting, and try not to act too embarrassed when asking about leaving work early for the day.

Criticizing

Being critical of oneself is a key feature of gaslighting. You might compare your accomplishments, your appearance, your work performance or your relationship to other people’s, putting a negative spin on your life as you see others thriving. This is especially prevalent with social media and the selective exposure phenomenon, where one’s feed is catered through a specific lens. In this way, someone only sees the best of others’ lives, leaving plenty of room to criticize your own.

Sometimes it’s alright to be critical, especially if that criticism can be used to motivate productive change. But if you find yourself sliding from criticizing to berating, and your assessments become damaging enough to impact the way you’re acting, it might be time to step back and be kinder to yourself.

Simple exercises like this could help put things in perspective. It might sound silly, but if you feel yourself start to sink into self-criticism, think of five things you like about yourself, or five things you think are good about your life.

Questioning

Questioning can be thought of as a gateway to some of these other gaslighting features – when you begin to question your choices, motives, statements, or feelings. PopSugar notes that often, one who finds themselves self-gaslighting might “create explanations for what is and what is not a correct way to respond to something emotionally.”

“My feelings are valid” might seem like a hokey statement to most, but the sentiment is true. Technically, one is allowed to feel however they want about whatever they want – there should be no guilt or questioning around one’s feelings, no matter how extreme or unreasonable they might feel.

Ultimately, undoing the questioning of one’s emotions must occur internally, or self-gaslighting can extend to unintentionally gaslighting others. Taking your feelings seriously is a matter of being able to separate feelings and acting. When one transforms feelings of anger into harmful digs or mean comments, that’s when they become dangerous.

Hyper-focusing

Let’s say your boss gives you feedback on a presentation. “Great job on the slide deck,” they say, “but put in a little more work next time on the graphs.” All you can hear is how you messed up the graphs, and after a few minutes, you forget that you ever did a slide deck in the first place – all you can think about is your mistake.

Hyper-focusing is a cousin to criticizing, but rather than finding broader subjects or ventures to arbitrarily determine that you’ve failed, these are very specific instances. Often, someone else will bring up a constructive criticism, which then you’ll transform into a destructive anxiety.

It’s hard to maintain perspective on slights that seem so deeply personal, but rather than rushing straight to the negative, it’s beneficial to be mindful, and intentionally attune oneself to positive feedback.

Catastrophizing

The evil twin to minimizing, catastrophizing is just as damaging, and perhaps more damaging to others than to yourself. In contrast to believing that your emotions aren’t worth indulging, in this situation, you extend your emotions to hyperbolic proportions, driving yourself crazy by imagining the absolute worst.

Catastrophizing is the emotional equivalent to the slippery slope fallacy; Healthline indicates that when you self-gaslight, it’s possible “you leaped from point A to point C without pausing to understand the B in-between.”

If you find yourself making a big deal out of something that really isn’t objectively as terrible as you might feel, don’t berate yourself for getting upset, as that will just reinforce the self-gaslighting cycle. Instead, think about why you might have started unraveling, as maybe this incident was reminiscent of one in a prior job, prior relationship, or even an old open wound from childhood.