Narcissists are in love with themselves — here’s how to avoid becoming one

Have I told you how great my life is today?

This is a phrase that subconsciously drives a narcissist. As a former (undiagnosed) narcissist, I’ve spent too much time living the lie.

Entrepreneurship as a 20-something is what led me to narcissism. Give a man all the riches of the world and a team of one-hundred humble employees (servants), and get ready for the fun show. A tiny bit of success can make a narcissistic disorder blow up.

If you want to see real-life narcissism just open up the Instagram app. You’ll see countless profiles where all the photo are the account owner’s face.

How one person can post their own face so many times on social media is beyond me. I use a photo of myself occasionally in blog posts and always have that terrible thought: “Is this a return to narcism? Get over yourself.”

Finish a conversation without linking it back to you

A narcissist is in love with themselves. Read that again. A guy I used to work with in a bank always centered every conversation around themselves. They would link these experiences to success metrics that make them look good.

“When I made senior manager after three months, everyone was shocked.”

“When I did one of the biggest financial services deals in human history in a record-beating three days, my boss couldn’t believe it.”

“You know, when I bought my house in Hollywood for a small fortune, organizing the removalist truck was tough.”

Switch the “I” to a “We” at least.

There is sharing helpful life experience that is contextual, and there’s overblown narcissism. The difference is the frequency. A narcissist follows the 80/20 rule. They link 80% of their references in conversations back to their life and how good they are, and 20% of references are based on people who are not them. Flip the equation around if you fear you’re turning into a narcissist.

Practice self-awareness

My friend told me a story yesterday. Their boss at work started a conversation in the office. Their direct reports gathered round to avoid looking rude. The boss told an innocent story. An hour later the story was still carrying on. The smart ones escaped his narcissistic wrath. Those who couldn’t see narcissism stayed. He kept going. The conversation became tougher to endure than the Boston Marathon held in the Sahara Desert.

The problem? The narcissist had zero self-awareness. He didn’t bother to consider how much of people’s days he was taking up by over-talking about himself. As a result those who watched the narcissism presentation finished work an hour later and missed playtime with their kids.

Self-awareness destroys narcissism. The thought to ponder looks like this: “Did I just talk way too much about myself?”

A narcissistic boss can lower corporate productivity.

Live an insanely boring life

Writer John P Weiss shares this thought on digital narcissism:

What you seldom see are the routine parts of people’s lives. The boring stuff like reading email at work. Pouring over spreadsheets and enduring conference calls. Doing the laundry and vacuuming. How boring!

People only portray the cool stuff. The coffee shop photos or selfies in the gym, where they’re showing up their sedentary friends. They share this stuff because it reflects well on them. They know it will garner lots of likes. And that makes them feel good.

You avoid narcissism when you’re comfortable talking about the boring stuff online or in the real world. Real life isn’t as great as influencers make it out to be. To be human is to suffer. We all know that by now after watching a global health crisis wreak havoc on the world while dancing with the devil and taking human lives as if they’re pieces of trash ready for the incinerator.

Boring is real. Boring is relatable. Boring says “we’re not so different.” Therefore, boring creates relationships.

John finishes with a powerful question: What’s the point to all of this?

Allow for silence to fill the room

Narcissists can’t be silent and they always have to talk. As a former narcissist, I did this because in the depths of silence I could hear my mind talking to me. My mind didn’t trust my body. It’s like walking down the street and not believing gravity will keep your feet on the ground. If you can’t even trust gravity then everything else is going to feel like torture. That’s how I felt.

Pretending you’re okay when you’re not okay can lead down the path of narcissism. Because narcissism is heavily centered around a pretend stage show, where you’re the main character and everything is alright and you’re so awesome. The “so awesome” is a lie you tell yourself. Narcissists lie to themselves a lot.

Embracing the truth cuts the chains of narcissism.

What causes the narcissist’s nightmare?

Dissect “boss culture” at work. You’ll often find a lack of parental praise as a child can lead to narcissism. Narcissists desperately want more praise. They say stupid stuff, hoping to impress people and then collect donations with a magician hat handed around for us to place praise in.

How to escape the wrath of narcissism

Narcissism is like bad breath — it stinks. You can avoid it.

• Know the signs you’re dealing with a narcissist by heart.
• Turn your back when they give a narcissist speech.
• Tell a narcissistic boss you have another meeting and excuse yourself.
• Look for the exits. Plan your escape. Use your phone as a pattern interrupter. “It’s my family I urgently need to get this.” A narcissist needs an audience to survive, otherwise, they pack up the show for the day and get back to work.
• Narcissists are competitive and they hate losing. Give yourself permission to lose. Losing is part of life. Your life ends with losing your ability to live.

An empath is a person who senses and feels the emotions of others as if they make up their own experience.

If you’re an empath then author Cherilyn Cloughgives this warning: Narcissistic people search for empaths like heat-seeking missiles. Mess up the narcissist’s navigation system and get out of the way before they blow up your day with too much love for themselves.

Don’t fall too deeply in love with yourself. There is a fine line between narcissism and self-love. Too much love is bad.

This article first appeared on Medium.