3 signs someone is secretly a jerk

Many among us are not what they first appear. A sinking feeling accompanies the revelation that one of them is your romantic or business partner. Were there signs all along? Were you blind to their faults?

One can only hide their true self for so long. It harkens back to Chris Rock’s adage, “You never meet someone on the first date. You meet their representative.”

I’ve been burned enough to know the importance of having standards and being selective with people. Kind, trustworthy, competent peers are proven to boost your own effectiveness and contentment. A person’s virtues should outweigh their flaws. Here are signs they don’t.

The importance of the team

I’ve been fortunate to ghostwrite for several executives who rose to the top of prestigious organizations. When interviewing them, I always ask about their experiences firing people. It is a blunt and needed question. Their response is always candid, sometimes tinged with pain, but always reflective of their values.

Executives rarely use the word “fire” when discussing terminations. They use softer language. It reveals an underlying compensatory mechanism, a sense of empathy, a need to come to grips with terribly difficult decisions. They know they will cause hardship.

One client, a former tech CEO, was no exception. He said, “Yes, sometimes you have to part ways with people. It represents a failure for everyone. We either didn’t give them the support they needed. Or we chose the wrong person.” This invited my next question, “How do you choose the right person?”

He explained that nothing is more important than having team players. The types of people he interviews are always crème de la crème performers. But will they serve themselves? This CEO always met with lower-level employees who spoke with the candidate: the secretary, an intern, a person in the same room. If there was even a hint of shade thrown at these people, it was a worthy concern.

Preferential treatment based on a person’s status is a sign of a jerk hiding in plain sight. It means they view people through a lens of opportunism. They prize personal gain over kindness and respect. They cannot be on the team.

The world happens to them

There’s a long sigh every time they start talking. Some new calamity has struck. They have another horrible boss. Another ex has wronged them. Their bills are out of control. The universe has converged yet again to smite any ounce of good fortune that came their way.

Empathy and understanding are assets to any noble worldview. But when someone is a perpetual whirlpool of problems, it can be a sign of a toxic person. They are poisonous to a happy and tranquil life.

It’s certainly possible a person has terrible luck or bad taste in partners. Just remember, you can practice guitar by yourself. You can dance in the mirror with yourself. But you cannot tango alone. Be wary of those who are the common denominator in a series of problems. I’ve found that the person who says they hate drama usually is the drama.

The problem with trust

I had this bad job working at a sports equipment warehousing company. Every day, I would drop off a list of inventory for the owner. He had this big sprawling office that sat in stark contrast to the decaying building around it.

One day, I came in and went to set my paper on the desk. He was gone. Sitting on his desk was a crisp $20 bill. It was crumpled up and exposed. I didn’t take the money. However, I’ll confess there was a brief moment where I considered how easy it would be. I was broke. He was rich and would have never known. Yet it felt too sleazy. I’d never stolen and it didn’t feel like a good time to start.

A couple of years went by. I’d moved on to a different company. I was at a dinner and my former boss was there. In the middle of dinner, he says, “I sometimes leave money on my desk to test and see if I can trust an employee. If they take the money, I usually find out and fire them.” I about swallowed my tongue. He’d forgotten he’d done that exact test on me. I was the only one at the office when I’d left. I would have been toast.

I’m not here to pat myself on the back. I have my share of flaws. But this brings to mind a good point: if you get the sense someone needs to be kept in plain sight, they probably don’t belong in your life. If they lie about small and stupid things for no reason, they’ll probably lie about huge things for bad reasons. Watch out for people who flake on commitments and have changing stories. Deceptive people are totally, and completely exhausting. It’s as Friedrich Nietzsche said, “I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

You should feel inspired, motivated, and loved by the people in your life. No, don’t judge a person by one interaction. We should be excused from bad days. But nobody should show signs of bad character over long stretches.

Takeaway recap for memory: 3 signs a person is secretly a jerk

1. They show a different attitude towards people in lower positions of power. Even a subtle change when they glow up for a superior is a sign of trouble. Look for people who bring the same welcoming kindness to all people.
2. Their life is full of drama and high-octane breakups. They are the common denominator, stuck in the eyes of a malevolent universe. Don’t let your kindness give a hall pass to a toxic person.
3. There is a subtle, wincing issue of trust with them. If they have inconsistent stories or seem to lie and come up with bizarre explanations about things, be on alert.

This article first appeared on Medium.

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