17 convincing rules of negotiation

Things were not going well.

Head chef, celebrity host of Parts Unknown, and author Anthony Bourdain spent a remarkably long time working in the seedy shadows of the culinary underbelly. 

He was a line cook, sauté savant, grill master, sous chef, head chef, pastry assistant, and more — not in that order. Like many burnt-out interviewees, he was educated and experienced, but, shameful about not having a job. During a particularly difficult stretch of unemployment, Bourdain finally landed a promising interview for a high-end steakhouse. 

Day of the interview, after hours of waiting, Bourdain’s name was called and he found himself in a room with the owner and manager. Firm handshakes passed around like hors d’oeuvres.

The interview began with the classics:

“What type of hours do you expect to put in”?”

“What would you say your strengths and weakness are?”

“What kind of positive changes could you bring to the table?”

Every answer brought smiles and nods — and he made sure to toss in a few owner-friendly buzzwords to keep it professional.

“I was closing in on the position. I could feel it,” said Bourdain. 

Then, things took a strange turn. The owner leaned in close, blue eyes piercing through Bourdain’s skull, and asked one final thing… “what do you know about me?”

Bourdain, taken aback, pretended like he didn’t hear him. When the question was begrudgingly repeated, he did what any desperate, unemployed, starved person would do — threw a Hail Mary.

“Next to nothing!” Bourdain proudly replied, believing the honest answer would serve him well.

The interview ended abruptly. The owner and manager exchanged tight smiles, ushering a stunned Bourdain out the door. Stepping outside, Bourdain burst into tears halfway down the block. He realized what happened. This prideful steakhouse owner who made his fortune selling steak, had asked a much more reasonable question…

“What do you know about meat?”

What’s the priceless takeaway? Don’t be afraid to ask clarifying questions in an interview. Relax. Stress and anxiety will lead you to make irreversible mistakes in the heat of a negotiation. 

That’s lesson number one. 

Here are sixteen more.

You don’t get paid what you’re worth 

You get paid what you negotiate. 

Don’t negotiate unless you have to

As the late Felix Dennis, magazine publishing mogul and poet, explains in How to get rich, “Most negotiations are unnecessary. Don’t enter into them.”

Do your homework

Study every angle of your situation. If it’s an interview, scour the far-flung corners of the internet for potential questions, come prepared with stories and examples, and know the brand, founder, and interviewees like the back of your hand. 

Preparation is your most trusted ally. 

Understand the objectives of the other side

You may be on the same team. But everyone has an agenda. 

What do they want from this deal? What will it take for everyone to walk away satisfied? 

Tell the truth 

Deepak Malhotra summed up my thoughts perfectly: “My advice is to never lie in a negotiation. It frequently comes back to harm you, but even if it doesn’t, it’s unethical. The other risk is that, faced with a tough question, you may try too hard to please and end up losing leverage.”

Don’t be afraid to call “time-out” if you feel trapped in a corner 

I got absolutely played on salary negotiations for my first job out of college. The company pitched benefits like PTO and tightknit teams and opportunities laced with business buzzwords as reasons why they weren’t paying my asking price. The smart approach is to step away for a moment and collect yourself. Say you need a drink of water or want to think about the offer. 

But, desperate and naive, I accepted. And spent half the summer regretting it until I quit for something better. 

Understand where your weakness lies 

The best offense in negotiation is often the best defense. 

Deal in facts, not emotions 

The first time I stepped into my boss’s office to request a raise, I felt ashamed. Like I was betraying this trust in me. 

Truth is, I’d earned it. I had the facts to prove my worth. 

Negotiations are, by nature, emotional. There’s a lot on the line –– sometimes life-changing decisions will be made in a single afternoon. Walk on the factual tightrope as long as possible. 

“Don’t bargain yourself down before you get to the table.” – Carol Frohlinger

In other words, know your worth, and then some. I always (respectfully) encourage friends and peers to shoot for Mars so they can land on the moon. 

That said…

Always “play nice”

The worst possible outcome is a severed relationship. Lose-lose. As Marvin Levin brilliantly said, “If you are planning on doing business with someone again, don’t be too tough in the negotiations. If you’re going to skin a cat, don’t keep it as a house cat.” 

Hold you seat at the table 

Negotiation at a stalemate? As I learned from Jerry Seinfeld, don’t break the chain. 

In the early day of his comedy career, Seinfeld would draw an “X” on his calendar with a fat-tipped sharpie after successfully writing a joke. Three days later, and he’d have a “chain”.

Anytime Seinfeld felt an urge to take the day off, he’d remind himself… “Don’t break the chain.”

It’s tempting to accept your fate after a tough interview and stop trying. Research shows that escapism is a common reaction to career challenges. 

Don’t break your chain. 

Keep communicating. Give yourself the ability to away, but don’t be discouraged by situations out of your control. 

Remember rule #1

Another Felix Dennies gem: “You have to persuade yourself that you absolutely don’t care what happens. If you don’t care, you’ve won. I absolutely promise you, in every serious negotiation, the man or woman who doesn’t care is going to win.” 

Choose your negotiation timing wisely

Just screwed up a major project? Probably not the best time to ask for a raise. 

Spit on the first offer

Not actually. However, you’ll find people tend to send an offer with wiggle room. At least review the first offer and make sure it aligns with the vision of what you want. 

Leverage the power of ‘because’

“A well-known principle of human behavior says that when we ask someone to do us a favor we will be more successful if we provide a reason.” — Robert Cialdini

Psychologist Ellen Langer and her team conducted the “The Copy Machine Study” in the 1970’s. A researcher would spot someone waiting at the library’s copy machine and walk over with the intention of cutting in line. Then, the researcher would turn around and ask one of three questions:

“Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine?” — 60 percent let the person to cut in line.

“I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine, because I am in a rush?” — 94 percent let the person to cut in line.

“Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make copies?” — 93 percent let the person to cut in line.

In negotiation, “because” will force you to explain a statement. It positions you as a more insightful, proven commodity. Because justifies an action or thought. 

Use because.

Finally, fulfill your negotiation promise 

Once the dust has settled, follow through.

Nobody wants to do business with a flake.