Here are the 7 types of out-of-office emails you’ll likely get this week.
1. Complicated Claire
Hello! I’m out of the office right now with no access to email. If you have a question about billing, please contact Irene. If you have a question about marketing, please contact Josh. If you have a question about billing related to marketing, please contact Irene and Josh and cc Mark. If this is regarding a catering delivery, please let Josh know but make sure Irene does not see it because it is for her birthday. If this is related to something not mentioned, please see my 9-page Google Doc on who to contact. Thanks.
2. Cryptic Chris
Please be advised: I need to go away for a while. I will not have cell reception, an Internet connection or access to a computer. I will have one crockpot and a bag of beans. I will return all messages upon my return. I cannot tell you when that will be. Do not read into this.
3. Meme Mitch
Didn’t you know I’m at jury duty today? I would never put you on trial but I would watch a Law and Order marathon with you while I massage your feet.
4. Paranoid Pete
Thank you for your message. *Please note I am currently passing through TSA and will be out pocket for approximately the time it takes you to read this email. If for some reason this message stays up for longer than three minutes, please initiate the following emergency protocol:
1. Call me on my other work cell phone, the one I tucked into my waistline and the agents don’t know about. That number is 203-750-8674.
2. Shoot me a text.
3. Tweet at @Hudson_News_LGA. There’s a good chance I’ve lost track of time in the bestsellers aisle.
4. Launch the skywriters.
5. Release the bloodhounds.
6. Appear on the Today Show and announce the reward for my safe return.
If the seasons have changed and you have not heard back from me, please assume I am no longer with the company and connect with me on LinkedIn. *At no point in time should you contact my superior.
5. Chill Charlotte
Decided to ditch work and get this weekend started a little early. I knew you would understand 🙂 Unfortunately that means all deliverables I promised to you by EOD will now be sent at 8:45 AM Monday morning. That still gives you a full 15 minutes to review and add feedback before the start of the *actual* workweek. I wouldn’t do this to you (Again! Sorry!), if I knew you couldn’t handle it. You guys rock 🙂
Sent from my iPhone
6. Martyr Marissa
I am not here right now because our office has been told to evacuate. I can smell the smoke as I type! I wanted to make sure you understood that your life absolutely means more than mine which is why I’m willing to risk burning alive to complete my portion of this week’s Work in Progress doc. I promise you I will not stop responding to your EMERGENCY requests until my fingertips singe off and I can no longer type because I’m also in an emergency of my own! And even then I…wait I’m being forcibly removed from my desk. Please know this is against my will and I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.
If I survive but become horribly disfigured and am too vain to return to work until all my sick days are used up, I have named Cheryl Waters as my backup.
If I die, I have named Lisa Patterson as my eternal backup.
If I come back as a ghost, I will contact you.
7. Guilt Trip Greg
I am out of office this Saturday and Sunday because it’s the weekend, rendering this OOO extremely unnecessary. I put this message up solely to remind you how hard I work while simultaneously shaming you for working on the weekend. Even me, who will loudly and regularly remind you how SUPER slammed I am, despite literally never working, has time to take it “offline.” I suggest you do the same. The work will still be here on Monday, boy don’t I know it.
Allison Kelley is a writer living in Brooklyn. By day, she works as a copywriter at a recruitment advertising agency, and at night she writes satire about office life and 90s pop culture. Read more at aliskelley.com.