Compliment or Harassment? Take the Quiz

Where is the line between being complimentary and creepy—or even criminal? This quiz answers that question.

As former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo fell from grace amid multiple accusations of sexual harassment, it triggered many to wonder: Did he really not know he was entering questionable territory with some of his remarks and affection? 

Some actions are clearly indefensible: An unwanted kiss or grope… obviously a problem. But calling someone “sweetie,” pretty – or wondering aloud why they are wearing a baggy outfit – are those potentially career-ending comments?

It’s a question that merits exploration as sexual harassment continues to be a major issue in the workplace. In fact, a third of all professional women say they’ve experienced sexual harassment at work, according to a recent survey by the Center for Talent Innovation. And some suggest that those numbers are low due to underreporting and fear of retaliation. “Too often victims have gone along to get along and have rightfully been too afraid to speak up. This is especially true with acts by people in power and those that seem untouchable,” says Karen Michael, Esq., author of Stay Hired, and a work-law and HR consultant based in Richmond, VA. 

We live in a new era: “Tolerance for behavior that makes women and men uncomfortable has changed,” says Domenique Camacho Moran, a partner in the labor and employment practice of law firm Farrell Fritz in New York, and there’s a shift towards accountability. 

For some, it’s hard to tell what constitutes harassment versus what is a perhaps inept effort to be friendly and supportive. We presented five scenarios in the quiz below that straddle the fence of inappropriateness to varying degrees. Immediately following the quiz are “answers” with commentary from HR and leadership experts.

Okay or Creepy? Test Your Knowledge

Scenario 1 

“Hey, the color of your blouse looks really good on you.” Said by male tech support worker to a female staffer by a coffee maker in the office kitchen, with other people present.

Scenario 2 

“I’ve noticed your weight loss since you took up running – great job!” Said by male supervisor to female employee when she is the first to arrive at a team meeting.

Scenario 3 

“I just want to say, you really rocked the spreadsheets for yesterday’s pitch.” Said by male managing director to a female administrative assistant at an all-teams meeting. 

Scenario 4 

“You have the best sense of humor. Your boyfriend sure is a lucky guy!” Said by male associate to a senior female colleague while chatting in the cafeteria check-out line.

Scenario 5 

“Oooh, you smell good – what’s the name of that perfume?” Said by a male to his female coworker when they are alone in the elevator.

Answers 

First, some ground rules from our experts: 

• It’s all about context, says Michael. While double standards are not ideal, one female account executive complimenting her colleague’s hair is likely to have a very different effect than a male boss saying the same thing. Add his hand on her shoulder or the incident happening behind closed doors, and, Houston, we have a problem – for sure. Location, gender, and place in the corporate hierarchy all matter.
• Consider the intention. “I personally tell people to assume good intentions until you know otherwise,” says Diane Gallo, a Houston-based career and leadership coach who has led HR teams at Fortune 5 companies. Some colleagues may believe that a compliment is a way to acknowledge another person, show that they are held in high esteem, and embody inclusivity (i.e., “I’m uplifting someone who’s from a usually underrepresented group”). That doesn’t mean the recipient needs to grin and bear it, but it may be more of a teachable moment than one in which a formal complaint is warranted. 
• Watch for patterns and repetition. “A one-off comment is probably not a problem, but persistent and badgering remarks certainly are,” says Gallo.

Scenario 1: Gray area

The experts say this is an unnecessary but innocuous compliment. As a one-time thing, it’s not harassment. If it becomes a regular and uncomfortable thing, or if you “add a creepy look, physical contact, or even someone invading your space, the compliment starts to become inappropriate,” says Moran.

Scenario 2: Creepy

If this were a comment made between office friends, especially if they had bonded over their fitness routines, it would be okay. But for a male supervisor to comment on a female report’s figure – full stop. N-O. This implies that the boss is checking out her body, which is of course, really inappropriate. No matter if he’s an “old guy,” is trying to support her wellness plan, or didn’t say it in front of others, it’s a problematic remark. 

Scenario 3: Okay

In most cases, this is simply a compliment for a job well done – a matter of recognition and appreciation. “Work-focused remarks are generally not something that leads to harassment,” says Michael. But note the use of the word “generally.” This could be considered a micro-aggression “if the implication is that, as a woman, you have surprised men by being able to do math, whereas no man would be complimented on a spreadsheet,” says Gallo. The comment then morphs into a condescending statement and contributes to a toxic workplace.

Scenario 4: Creepy

Telling someone they are funny is usually fine, but this remark goes off a cliff by conjuring up one’s personal relationship. The boyfriend reference suggests that the male coworker is spending time thinking about your romantic partner, which sends all kinds of red flags. “It sounds like a come-on,” says Michael. The commenter may be fishing to see the response he gets and escalate the situation.

Scenario 5: Creepy

“Sniffing someone – even if you say you like the scent – is totally out of bounds,” says Michael. Perhaps decades ago, a Mad Men-ish boss might get away with asking his secretary what her wonderful perfume is, but times have most definitely changed, and this is inappropriately intimate.  

The last word

A bit of advice to all the managers out there: While most harassment cases don’t rest solely on unwanted compliments, why even go there? “Back off. Literally, take a step back and stop getting into too personal conversations with people,” advises Michael. “It’s fine to talk about pets, sports, vacations, kids, restaurants, etc. But when you start to talk about things that are very personal and nuanced, it’s better to just not comment.” 

And for those on the receiving end of potentially cringe-y compliments, “If you don’t feel comfortable with how you are spoken to, say so in the moment, that you don’t like being called ‘sweetie’ at work; it’s demeaning. Hopefully that resolves the matter,” says Gallo. “If you are told, ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ then bring the issue to HR or a manager you trust to resolve the situation.”